We all have had those times in our lives when we have wanted something so badly we would go to almost any lengths to get it. Then once we have it the whole world seems to shift and change. Recently with the help of two very excellent professionals and a couple of equally excellent friends, I feel like I am beginning to crawl out of a dark valley with coldness and desolate landscape to a place where there is sun, warmth and budding flowers. This is a very personal piece not so much about education, but a piece of self education. So warning you may want to stop reading now.
Last April I turned 65 and more than anything else I wanted to have dinner with 3 special friends to celebrate. So I told them. An accident, a cross-country moving trip, a long summer, and 6 months later. That dinner finally happened. The next day I found out I was losing my job in a place I loved most doing what I loved most. I know the two were not related but the timing really sucked. Since then I have tried to find the person I loss or the sense of loss that I felt. The remainder of October, November, and December I went in everyday with the knowledge there would be a time I wouldn't be there. I savored those days and put on the bravest face I could, but left many nights in tears. When January came I thought I was ready to not go back, but I was wrong. I had so many mixed and conflicting feeling and felt like I had lost the person I was.
Some personal relationships, one in particular, began to suffer, one I am trying so hard to wait to rebuild, and this compounded my sense of loss. But things are looking better. Turning inside myself, I saw a pattern of mistakes I had made since being a teenager. I have not often liked what I have seen inside myself and am understanding why it is so hard for me to like myself at times. I am not always the person I want to be, but then who is. All we can do is try. So as spring unfolds and nature greens and blooms add color to the outer landscape, I am working hard on my interior landscape. There may be new opportunities and friends in the future for me, and I want to make sure that I don't make the same old mistakes.
There are days that I feel so "gol-durned lost that not even God can find me" and other days I feel "dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morningtide drop all its petals on me. Life I love you always groovy." But on both days I know I am still growing. Change forces growth or death, At one point I thought death was more desirable, but no longer. I have hope for the person I am and am becoming. I miss the place I was and most of all I miss the people there. I miss the person I was there. but maybe this will be an even better person who emerges. I miss my friend and want him to know he is in my heart and I look forward to the time he will get in touch with me. Somehow I hope he reads this and recognizes himself.
Moral of this is everything changes and in loss there is gain we just have to look for it, and I am not asking anyone anything about birthday this year. I am just not going to have one. I don't think I could survive another.
Last April I turned 65 and more than anything else I wanted to have dinner with 3 special friends to celebrate. So I told them. An accident, a cross-country moving trip, a long summer, and 6 months later. That dinner finally happened. The next day I found out I was losing my job in a place I loved most doing what I loved most. I know the two were not related but the timing really sucked. Since then I have tried to find the person I loss or the sense of loss that I felt. The remainder of October, November, and December I went in everyday with the knowledge there would be a time I wouldn't be there. I savored those days and put on the bravest face I could, but left many nights in tears. When January came I thought I was ready to not go back, but I was wrong. I had so many mixed and conflicting feeling and felt like I had lost the person I was.
Some personal relationships, one in particular, began to suffer, one I am trying so hard to wait to rebuild, and this compounded my sense of loss. But things are looking better. Turning inside myself, I saw a pattern of mistakes I had made since being a teenager. I have not often liked what I have seen inside myself and am understanding why it is so hard for me to like myself at times. I am not always the person I want to be, but then who is. All we can do is try. So as spring unfolds and nature greens and blooms add color to the outer landscape, I am working hard on my interior landscape. There may be new opportunities and friends in the future for me, and I want to make sure that I don't make the same old mistakes.
There are days that I feel so "gol-durned lost that not even God can find me" and other days I feel "dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep, let the morningtide drop all its petals on me. Life I love you always groovy." But on both days I know I am still growing. Change forces growth or death, At one point I thought death was more desirable, but no longer. I have hope for the person I am and am becoming. I miss the place I was and most of all I miss the people there. I miss the person I was there. but maybe this will be an even better person who emerges. I miss my friend and want him to know he is in my heart and I look forward to the time he will get in touch with me. Somehow I hope he reads this and recognizes himself.
Moral of this is everything changes and in loss there is gain we just have to look for it, and I am not asking anyone anything about birthday this year. I am just not going to have one. I don't think I could survive another.